i've got soul but i'm not a soldier.

riversbutterfly @ 2005-07-10T17:19:00

2005-07-10T21:31:21Z

god this thing seems so trivial when you have like a zillion other things on your mind ...
like how are you going to support yourself for the next 6-8 months.
im in nags head/corolla and its fucking awesome. i havent even had internet for the past 2.5 months and i havent really missed it. except e-mailing my cousin and a few others. i mean i went on aim for the first time in over 8 weeks and it seemed as though i wasnt missing anything.
away messages with people saying they're either at work or at the beach or on vacation...
its nice to be in a place where you dont think about these things.
aim, e-mail, even t.v.
i turned on the tv for the first time in over a week yesterday. i just left it on hbo, its the only thing worth watching.
its raining right now and conor's dad got our internet working now so i guess thats really the only reason im' not outside right now. plus there's no waves.
im stoked even though the waves havent been great ive been surfing at lesat a couple times a week. at least.
so in a nutshell things are good down here: im making damn good money waitressing at the blue point and im hoping that i will have enough saved up that i'll only have to work like 3-4 days a week when i get down to pr.
right now im gonna go take a shower ive been on the beach all day.

paz

riversbutterfly @ 2005-05-17T11:27:00

2005-05-17T15:27:27Z

ahh my new home was my monday morning wave this week. im moving to my nags head house tonight. if anybody wants to come and visit, give me a call.
oh and i wont have a computer for a little bit so im sorry if i dont answer e-mails for a while.
peace and love,
lex

and so the curtain falls on my freshman year of college.

2005-05-05T17:59:20Z

oh geez here we go again.
im doubting myself... again.
doubting my judgement, doubting my hastiness...
its just that i always fall so fast, holding "him" (whoever "he" happens to be at that moment)
up to this pedestal of perfection and flawlessness.
and then it hits me. or they hit me rather. all at once.
the realizations.
and then im miserable.
stuck in this position of unending doubt.
rocking back and forth in my canoe of self destruction.
where is this going? is there any future? am i wasting my time?
but what about our plans? and meeting louie? and PR?
not that any of it matters, but i cant help but think about it...constantly.
and the fact that he's STILL not here well- that just makes it worse.
its just that i really wanted to see George Clinton.
and even though i still could've, it wouldn't be the same.
and the point is he stood me up, and like jacob said, he would NEVER stand up a girl that begged him to take her to see George Clinton.
and that was just the beginning of the disapointments.
i know its sad, and its harsh but goddamit its ture. and it shouldn't be left unsaid.
because if im going to honest with myself i cant hide anything.
even the fact that i doubt the words "i love you" now.

so im done with college.
at least for a while anyway.
what a weird experience, leaving school. moving out of the dorms and knowing i wasnt coming back.
hugging my roomate goodbye.
writing my last term paper.
taking my last final.
saying goodbye to people i considered my family that honestly, i dont know if i'll ever see again.
at least ill see them all in sept. or oct. before i go to PR.
at least ill get to say goodbye one more time before i leave for good.
i cant say honestly that im doubt-free about this decision either, but at least ive got a good hunch that im making the right decision.

i better go...movie's started.
end of thought.

my monday morning wave

2005-04-04T14:17:14Z

"The Gaia hypothesis sees the Earth as a single, living organism. Imagine, then, if it could talk. What might it say about us, in a couple of aeons time after we are sure to have died out? "Humans?", it might say, "Yes, I remember them, a most stupid life-form that lived here for a very short time. They invented this thing called technology and they modified their surroundings so that it did not support them any more. They tried to run before they could walk, fell over and wiped themselves out"
– Dr. Tony Butt (oceanographer, surfer)

riversbutterfly @ 2005-03-08T14:51:00

2005-03-08T19:53:47Z

my birthday's on friday and all my friend's are coming...yay!
reneé and stephanie and jessie and miss sarah potter (who i havent seen in a million kagillion years) are all coming down to see me.
i cant wait.

puerto rico was the shit. i cant believe i made it out this time.
adam is wonderful. rincón is wonderful. mia is wonderful. holly and alex..wonderful.
i have gorgeous new pictures on my webshots so check them out.

so yeah i got a tattoo while i was there. the ohm... the hindu symbol for inner peace and interconnectedness with the universe.
pretty sweet.
mia designed it. thats HER handwriting on my ankle! i cant get over that.

soooo facebook is the devil.
i have been hooked ever since my friends forced me to start it.
i have to go take a midterm now. i hate being back at school i really really REALLY hate it.
but only a month before adam gets here and then a month til im out. DONE. with my first year of college....
damn how time flies.

lex

riversbutterfly @ 2005-02-16T23:49:00

2005-02-17T04:49:37Z

jurasic 5 - thin line
Yo, this is a lesson in friendship
The depths of a kinship
What women and men begin with, and then slip
My pen drips
As I scribble my thoughts on thin strips
Of emotion
A fraction, seduction, attraction
Eruption of passion
Corrupts if a lasted friendship's involved
But love to cross the line
But that's why we built these walls

We been friends for a long time, a very close friend of mine
Love you like you was mine, but respect a thin line
I love you like you was mine, think about you all the time
Very close friend of mine, but respect a thin line

Opposite's attract
When the female and male come in contact
Sticky situation in fact
Tryin not to let the feelings catch
But there's a thin line between both of y'all
So you respect that
And entertain the idea, but get brought back
To reality, and could you really live with that?
Decision, based on intuition
You love and keep your distance
Hug and kiss in friendship

An ongoing kinship, we was people to begin with
Disrespect was not intended
but your feelings sparked the sentence
Sometimes you're too intense in your quest to invent
The perfect man, please understand, my rhyme is your repent

Man, too bad that we became friends first
I'm not on expert on how relationships should work
But, (echos) from the minute it as known
It changed the whole tone on how we spoke on the phone
Yo, it was cool but I felt it wasn't enough
And I was stuck when your moms would pick it up
Over you, all my buddies would swoon
But I felt we were in tune, you let me up in your room. (Damn)
But to me girl, you're still off limits
No matter all the times that I hit it. (Yo, whatchu doin after this?)
Infactuation was authentic, but yo I just pretended
So I wouldn't lose the friendship
Maybe, I should spill all my guts
Or write a letter, then tear it up
Or do a song, just to say what's up
I want ... just ... a touch

I can't do this anymore
See my heart just spills out when you walk in the door
Friendship turns into lust and this only tip
That I can't comprehend even if I knew it
Can't do justice to these things that I'm feeling
You got someone else, don't wanna be caught stealing
Hell if she knew she would never leave us alone
in the roo-ooo-ooom

This was a lesson in friendship
I stress in this sentence
Should women and men be friends first?
And then slip?
My pen drips as I scribble my thoughts on thin strips
of devotion

Opposites attract
And best friends make a perfect match
If you only knew that
Once you cross, ain't no turning back
The minute you let him in it and he hit that
That's that

We was people to begin with, but you was too relentless
Jeporidizing kinship, respect is intended
Resolve is my intent
While we got it in
I'm tryin to salvage a friendship

This is my life.
This is my life.
This is my life.

I wanna shoot myself in the face right now.

brand spankin' new

2005-02-13T20:33:57Z

[woah.
i just had this dream that i was hanging out with sean
we were sitting on a bench
and all of a sudden this guy - i dont know who it was but i did in the dream
comes up and he was obviously like an ex boyfriend or something
and he gave me this HUGE hug and was kinda making me feel uncomfortable
and the look on sean's face made me want to cry. he just sat looking like
he wanted to say something but he had no place, or like he wanted to but there was no way in hell he was going to.
so this guy just invited himself to hang out with us for the rest of the day and it was so akward.
and nobody said anything except for this guy.]
-written 2-10-05

fucking foreshadow. shit w/ sean has hit the fan.
but i wrote him a long ass letter today and now that i have everything off my chest, theres not much else i can do at this point.
but i must say its easy to get over because...
I GOT MY NEW BOARD!

acid wash bottom

rounded sharp nose

tri fin

island glass rules

squash tail

dimensions

shaka brah

ahhhh so glorious.
sorry i'm a little obsessed.
i cant even begin to explain the stokedness.
brian and paulo did the most amazing job.
i cant take it out til spring break though, the glass still needs to cure.
but still...spring break is 12 days 14 hours and 18 minutes
holy shit thats soon. i cant wait to be in puerto again.

MXRed125: sexiest board in the world
i couldnt have said it better myself. thanks scott :)

alright i better take a nap i had a long night.
peace and <3

18 days 4 hours and 49 minutes

2005-02-08T05:48:09Z

i finally got a new digital camera.
new pictures up on webshots.

this weekend has been amazing.
its really nice to be recharged like that every once in a while.
its pathetic that is only once a year though.
they asked me to be YC next year which means i'm gonna be coordinating an entire retreat.
but thank God for Reneé and for Lauren and for Melissa.
i love you guys without you this weekend wouldnt have been nearly as amazing.

i cant wait for PR.
erin and jamie and liz are coming with me now.
adam has plans and i cannot WAIT!
im counting down the days, as you can tell.

im giving up smoking for lent.
i think it will clear my mind a bit, it probably wont even be that hard.

alright im exhausted, just wanted to give a quick update.
peace.

nothing's changed.

2005-01-18T15:04:24Z

my weatherbug says 22 degrees.

48 days, 19 hours, and 26 minutes.
the countdown begins.

this is about as hard as i thought it would be.

2005-01-07T13:54:46Z

im trying, i really am.
i dont mean to sound like an ingrate, and i know i must,
but as much as i like wilmington i feel like i found a new home.
and right now i'm just extremely homesick.
my horoscope for today said

"...Once it's finally time to go home -- and you'll be watching the seconds tick by -- you'll begin to feel all that tension you've been carrying around in your shoulders start to dissipate. So is leaving early an option?"

i dont now, is leaving early an option?
i wish it were but i dont think it is.
im definitely not in school mode right now though.
the reason im up at this hour was to do hw before my 10 o'clock class and i cant even find the assignment syllabus to do it.
...this is not a good start to the semester.
i just hope i can get it together and just STOP thinking abuout puerto rico long enough to do my school work.

still whining

2005-01-03T06:21:21Z

i just looked at my entries where i posted pics of waves in wilmington and laughed. i didnt mean to, it just came out. i dont know how im going to go home. my friend jeff called me today and said that maria's beach had been on the surfline cam all week and so i checked it today and it sitll was. ive been surfing there for the past 2 weeks and now im just supposed to adjust to cold weather and no waves? what the fuck am i gonna do...

parting is such sweet sorrow

2005-01-02T14:03:30Z

adam just called me this morning at 7:30 because it was 8:30 his time and he had to go to work and wouldn't be back til 3. i didnt really know what to say because i was just so relieved and so excited but also so restricted. saying "im going to miss you" in person seems so much easier than "i miss you" over the phone, for some reason its really hard for me to do that. the strangest part though is that when he called, he woke me up from this dream i was having where my family and i were in Puerto Rico still and we were supposed to spend part of our trip in Rincon and part of it somewhere else in p.r., well somethign was wrong with my plane ticket and my mom told me that i couldn't go with them somewhere else, that i had to go home, and i started bawling my eyes out, begging my mom to find a way. and then i stopped crying and told her that i was staying in Rincon and i wasn't going home. and then i woke up. i've been home less than 24 hours and im already missing it so much i'm dreaming about it. i can't believe i came home honestly. i was so close to staying it was crazy. i made sooo many friends down there who were all like, "you're not leaving, you know you can't. we'll see you tomorrow at the bbq..." and even holly, my cousin's wife, even her parents who live down there told me they weren't going to let me leave. and then there was adam, who told me i could stay with him for as long as i wanted until i got a job and my own place and everything. i was still deciding the morning of my flight whether or not i should just blow of next semester and stay, but i didnt, and now i'm wishing i had. i cannot imagine going back to school right now, and the thought of not being able to surf for 2 months makes me sick to my stomach. i left a place with the most perfect waves witrh 80 degree water AND air temps, some of the coolest people i've ever met, and a great guy who really cared about me. i left a place where the cops dont care about shit and the only thing you can really get a ticket for is not wearing your seatbelt, where if you're not done with your drink at a bar and you have to leave you just take it with you, and where you can drink rum and cokes all night and your tab will be like $9. i'm having such bad withdrawls right now its not even cool. i already decided im gonna go back for spring break but thats like 2 months away...i dont know if i'll make it that far. i have to go take my mind off this.
<3

vb sucks..no waves, no parties, nothing to do.

2004-12-15T22:07:11Z

i know i shouldnt even care about stupid stuff like this
but i just think its kinda funny...
i just happened to notice today that soooo many of the journals ive randomly stumbled upon today (thats how bored ive been) that have like surfer or surfing in the name dont have a single entry about actually going surfing.
doesnt that seem kind of ironic?
im not bitching.
just found it amusing.

p.r. in 2 days! cant fucking wait.
the day i get there should be overhead surf.
i sure hope so, especially since i spent like 3 hours bubble wrapping my board last night.
it would take me that long though..
my parents have been so generous as far as this trip
it costs $80 each way to ship my board plus the trip itself plus the cab ride from san juan to rincon...
thank god for them because i have like $8 in my account right now :\
i leave for d.c. on friday and i fly out on sat. and i wont be back til jan 1.

leave me your address if you want me to send you a postcard.

i think david's making me go with him to the wrv christmas party tonight
i have no affiliation with them, minus the photoshoot which they didnt use any pictures from BUT
they DO have an open bar...which means im there.
then sump else show at half shell.

this is the longest entry ive written in a loooong time.
see you in 2005! felices fiestas!
(i need to practice my spanish)
<3

riversbutterfly @ 2004-11-30T02:37:00

2004-11-30T07:38:00Z

mantra of the week:

if its meant to be, it will happen.

what the hell

2004-11-29T03:08:15Z

yeah...happy thanksgiving. more good waves. too bad i wasnt here to enjoy them.

riversbutterfly @ 2004-11-07T19:56:00

2004-11-08T00:56:19Z

thank you for wintergreen.
im not sure if i ever really thanked you and i just wanted you to know
that that trip was one of the best times of my life.

Thank you.

riversbutterfly @ 2004-11-03T02:04:00

2004-11-03T07:06:30Z

fuck.
bush is gonna get re-elected.
we're all fucking doomed.

and galactic is playing at the norva on sunday
and i'm actually going home this weekend
but... if i went that'd require me having funds
and i wouldnt get back to wilm until like 4/5 in the morning.
not gonna happen.

not very good news tonight.

the waves have been INSANE here!

2004-10-26T23:57:32Z

...yeah thats all i have to say about that.

riversbutterfly @ 2004-10-25T01:47:00

2004-10-25T05:47:01Z

man the waves have been so good all weekend.
friday was ridiculous, i was supposed to go see slightly stoopid and g-love and grace's car broke down and just...
everything that could possibly have gone wrong went wrong, so suzy ben and i turned around and went back to wilmington and partied while the people that ended up going missed slightly stoopid and had to deal with a very angry tom.
but i had a blast so im not complaining.
saturday was fun too, just sitting around a bonfire with good friends on carolina beach.
nothing too big, but good bud and good company is always nice.

im in a weird mood today. it may be the weather, its really grey and cold and gloomy outside.
it may also be because ive been so lonely lately
which ive brought upon myself because im not willing to settle this time.
i know what i want and i want it. i'm not settling this time.
but that requires patience and i'm not sure if i can handle the lack of affection.

it seems like everyone is so depressed lately
nobody's getting what the want and everyone feels alone.
i guess its the time of year or something.

im going to bed.
long day tomorrow
<3

riversbutterfly @ 2004-10-21T04:38:00

2004-10-21T08:38:43Z

ok this is ridiculous.
TO ALL OF YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL who think your "friends" are gonna be your "friends" after high school...
you're full of shit.
yes, there will be the occassional one or two friends that either go on to the same college as you
or you just happen so see when you go home,
but otherwise, you realize that those people aren't your real friends.
i'm sitting here looking at some people's livejournal friends and i laugh.
because none of them are really your friends. most of them are using you in some way or another
but it wasnt until this year that i acutally realized that.
in highschool you share one commonality with your so-called "friends" and that is a mutual hatred for highschool itself.
but unfortunately that does not constitute a friendship.
i dont know why this is angering me.
im out of highschool (THANK GOD) and this definitely is something that i shoudlnt be giving a shit about.
but maybe it has to do with the fact that i'm really hurt by the fact that a particular person
whom i was so affected by, and who changed my life so much
that i am now majoring in music, which i may never have done if it weren't for him
and who inspired the idea for my tattoo,
does not even consider me a friend.
and to me i was a really good one to him.
and i thought for some stupid reason that we were progressing, that we were getting somewhere...
but its obvious i was wrong
and that hurts.
but honestly thats my problem and no excuse for me to lash out on innocent highschoolers.
so i guess this whole thing was a waste.

riversbutterfly @ 2004-10-13T22:16:00

2004-10-14T02:16:56Z

havent updated in a while
dont really find a reason to.
but now...my life is falling apart.
i realized all i really want is someone to make me happy.
not someone who tries to make me happy.
just someone who does.

but now i have to study for a western civ test.
so i will finish later.

riversbutterfly @ 2004-09-25T22:43:00

2004-09-26T02:43:47Z

yayyyy! nevermind that last post someone found my cell phone on the beach and now i have it back and i am so happy.

i am nervous about tomorrow.
we'll see what happens....

riversbutterfly @ 2004-09-24T11:55:00

2004-09-24T15:55:40Z

i lost my cell phone yesterday
so if you need to get in touch with me call
919 923 1145
since i lost all my numbers too leave me yours so i can add it once i get a new phone.
thanks
<3

i wish i was a weeping willow tree

2004-09-20T01:21:42Z

wow i just made the greatest discovery.
you can plug your headphones into your computer and music sounds A MILLION times better.
and you dont have to hear the obnoxious kids making a rukus in your dorm
or the MTV your roomates watching
or all the thoughts haunting your mind.
ive been really homesick the last few days.
mostly just closterphobic...but i do miss my parents.
and my home break.
and my bed.
ahhhh and my shower!
i know if i go home i'll just wanna come back here, but sometimes you need that kick in the ass to remind you how good you have it.
and right now i really need that.
plus i wanna go home and get my guitar so i can really start playing.

i miss chris like crazy.
i miss him so much it hurts me just to say his name sometimes.
*sighHhh* not much to do about that one.
16 days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes....
the countdown continues.

alright time for yoga.
<3

based on your smile, i'm betting all of this will be over soon.

2004-09-17T02:12:12Z

im sad. wilmington has no waves right now.
i didnt really notice that there were waves EVERY DAY since ive been down here until ...
they went away.
its cool though, def waves this weekend [hopefully]
i just know now to appreciate every day that there's waves
and go surfing as much as physically possible.

the good thing is ive been doing yoga like 2 or 3 times a week.
its awesome.
its exactly what i need i cant believe i havent been doing this earlier.
i even woke up at 6:30 to go to a 6:45 AM class on wed. because i couldnt go to the 5:45pm bc of my stupid health lecture at 6.
i think i might do it every wednesday but we'll see.

oh yeah, and jack johnson "on and on" is the best cd EVER. officially.

time to study *gasp*
shower first though
<3